soul searching, heart opening and eyes closing for you

   Another fight during dinner. I can't stand my family any longer, well my dad is OK cause he understands and deals with things like I do. My mom on the other hand is my complete opposite, let me tell the details on the fight. Dinner started fine, ordered food, drinking drinks (mine was a sprite) and talking. When my dad left to go get the food my mom asked why I looked so "mad" and I said I was annoyed she asked who annoyed you; a logical question yes but my mother can take a very nice polite answer and twist it to mean something totally against her and her family...which I am apparently not apart of. I told her that my grandfather or her dad annoyed me because this "morning" or afternoon in my case, I was eating brunch (breakfast and lunch) while watching TV when my ever so brilliant grandfather walks up to me and "whatchya doin'?" By process of elimination, I would have guessed I was painting a copy of Mona Lisa but I think me taking pizza bites and putting them in my mouth chewing and swallowing while looking directly and a box with picture going across it I would place a hundred dollar bet I was eating and watching TV... At the same time! I was also annoyed because my mother and step grandmother are making me an outfit (I'm extremely grateful don't get me wrong) but after cutting the fabric they left to go play poker, leaving pieces of cloth flying everywhere. So I went to go sweep and vacuum the kitchen then started texting my best friend and played around on the computer. When all of the sudden I get a text from my father saying pick you up in 5. I just looked at the text thinking "Whaaaa?" So I replied, what are you picking me up for? He replied back saying dinner, I had less then two minutes to get ready.

    I will tell you now, when I wake up I go straight for the couch and watch TV no brushing teeth, washing face, getting dressed nothing but finding another comfortable place to lay down on. So yes I was annoyed at my day, oh and another reason I was annoyed is because I spend half the night listening to doors open and slam shut plus a dog couching/ barking and a human coughing, I haven't been to bed before one a.m. in about four days. I'm dying, literally I think sleep exhaustion is really real, when I finally get to sleep I have such terrible dreams they wake me during the night, the worst part is not even remembering a single detail of the dream, not how it started, the body of it, or the ending I remember nothing except falling asleep. 

   Now to why I wrote this post, I know I hate people but I want to know why, so I thought about it. I hate people because hating them makes it harder for me bare their loss when they are no longer in my life, because eventually I know I will lose everybody dear to me. I guess I need to change but how? I've lived like this for so long how can I begin to love like the concept of humans that are insignificant and important in my life at the same time? I don't know if I can accomplish this emotion without some serious strain on myself at the moment and I don't have too many people to back me up right now. I know I'll have three people for sure but I know I'm going to need more reinforcements.
   I have also thought about why I hate most of my family members. As you know when I was seven I lost my best friend, ten when I lost my favorite grandmother, and twelve when I lost my favorite Aunt and Uncle. I loved each and everyone of one of those people, but they died, all the people I didn't love nearly as much were still alive (well my parents were and still are alive which I'm grateful for cause I love them more then all those people combined) so I thought that god hated me and killed all my favorites, so I hated my least favorites to save them and myself the heartbreak and torture. But now I think I hate all my other family because their alive and my favorites aren't what are they providing for God that my favorite weren't? What makes my least favorites better then my favorites? I always asked God why but now I have two more descriptive questions to ask.
   Some of my favorite questions to ask the big man are "why me? Out of two other children you picked little insignificant me to do your bidding? What can I do? I can't do anything and you picked me? What would my brothers be doing if they stayed and I didn't make it? Why couldn't they make it? What if I had one of them to lean on and support me during those times? Would I not hate anymore? Would I hate more because I would see how much love they could give? Am I giving any love to anyone I know? I wish I knew what good I was doing in the world." Cause as it stands I feel like one hydrogen atom too many in a giant ocean. Not doing any good and just making a big mess of things.