It's over.... Thank you God!

    My visiting family left early, and I mean early, this morning. I was up at five in the morning after waking from a some what crappy sleep at ten in the p.m. I was so not a happy camper driving down to the airport. Traffic sucks, people are stupid and add those two factors together you understand why I hate driving. But my family is gone and I no longer have to worry/ deal with them so I may now sleep for how ever long I want and use my bathroom whenever I want. Which in itself that last fact has me bouncing off the walls. I know this was short but I have nothing to say for the last two days that pissed me off because I'm so happy about my family being gone that this whole hell week kinda seems a lot better. I know that it sucked but I'm looking forward and while I'm watching I'm Leroy and Stitch I have to say I think they got ohana wrong, because sometimes family is the worst thing for you...Take my week for example, they cause nothing but added stress and hate, but I still love me some Lilo and Stitch. I wish I could move to Hawaii and have nothing but water surrounding me. Oh well maybe soon I can visit Hawaii, until next year diary :) which in less then two hours! Hope next year is better for everyone!

With a desperate need and no way to fill it

      First off I really want to take a shower. Second my nightmare with Jack Black will have to be clean out of my brain with Clorox and a very hard scrubbing. Let me begin with my nightmare since it started first in my day of unimaginable events.

      I have my very own, very nice apartment heaven space. With a hot tub in the bathroom and living room, oh and the kitchen. Well in my very nice and fancy kitchen I was having my psuedo Asian parents (I'm white, not that it matters but maybe it will make sense now why their psuedo) over for lunch before they go on a six month vacation back home to Asia. After lunch they leave and in walks Jack Black, now I think he can be funny at moments but overall not too attractive. Well he walks into my living room and for some ungodly reason we "do-it" and not like first timers "I'm scared" type crap were like bunnies it's soooo gross. After all the bunny sex he just disappears like I don't know if he walked out the door or what but I didn't care cause I woke up right after all that just crying into my pillow I couldn't stop sobbing.

     It's a good thing no one could hear me over the TV being set up to about 56 on the volume during a foot ball game. It was so loud this morning I felt like I was right in the middle of the field during it, but I was still safe and warm in my cozy bed not surround by 300 pound 6'9 tall men walking around like proud peacocks. All though their are some football players I would love to around in my nice warm cozy bed.... OK pretend I didn't write that cause I'm not erasing it cause it's totally true.

     Alright now the shower situations. I found out where I can not get cold without my entire body freezing and that's my fingers. The moment my fingers are even a tiny bit off from my body temperature I'm shaking and can't get warm, also my toes kinda do that too but my fingers are the worst. Well I want to shower so I can be clean and have the nice warm water/ steam warm me up so I can go to bed but my bathroom has been preoccupied for the last three, yes I said three hours now. I can't get into my own bathroom without the door being locked or the smell being soooooooo bad that "I would love to have the door locked and sealed shut then burn down the house and find a new one" bad. So maybe soon I can go to sleep with being showered in my nice perfume (not stinky) bathroom and no Jack Black bunny business in my dreams, maybe get some Miles Austin up here ;) now that's some bunny business I wouldn't mind dreaming about.

Not too bad but not too good either

   I think I've gotten stronger from my post yesterday. I went into hanging with my grandparents for four hours with an open heart and mind. The last three hours of it were pure crap. Had two stops planned out, casino for Christmas decorations and sports arena for Christmas lights. We only saw one (the sports arena) because apparently my whole family became "under the weather" during the hour it took us to get to the casino and we decided to come home and finish watching a football game (which sports commentators have nothing on my grandfather and mother, they dictate any move made on the field, while yelling at the screen like its a communication device to the refs and players alike.)
   
   So that ticked me off, but the main thing that totally pissed me off was the fact that I was promised we were going to make spaghetti tonight and I was going to help (I make killer spaghetti) but I never got the phone call to start the pasta, so the family comes home and guess what? They all went to a sandwich shop, never called to say "hey were getting food. You want anything?" Or "Hey getting food so find something at the house." No they come home and the only reason I knew they went out is because my mom brings in a drink with the logo of the shop on it. So I stayed hungry for about four hours while they went to gamble and eat with my father who I only see after seven on specific days or five on the others. I was livid, but the "good" news is I got subway on the way to the sports arena. YAY! (sarcasm) On the way to the sports arena my father took a corner too sharply and my drink (resting between my feet cause the car has no STUPID cup holders any where in it) decides that that's a good time as any to tip over and spill all over my bag. Good news is that my Christmas gift bag is safe because I had a feeling something bad was going to happen so I switched to a more durable/ liquid resistant bag.
    
    Also my sandwich tasted like crap "subway" has lost it's eat fresh quality that I loved at one point in my life. So I'm finally at home resting thinking about everything I'm going to do tomorrow while my family is out of the house, I think a bubble bath while reading and doing laundry sound like a perfect way to relax tomorrow. Bonus points for today I had the cutest hair! Which I'm wearing more often because I like the style. :) Last minute thought, I think I have anger issues; could this be possible? I'll think more during my anger "vacation" tomorrow.

soul searching, heart opening and eyes closing for you

   Another fight during dinner. I can't stand my family any longer, well my dad is OK cause he understands and deals with things like I do. My mom on the other hand is my complete opposite, let me tell the details on the fight. Dinner started fine, ordered food, drinking drinks (mine was a sprite) and talking. When my dad left to go get the food my mom asked why I looked so "mad" and I said I was annoyed she asked who annoyed you; a logical question yes but my mother can take a very nice polite answer and twist it to mean something totally against her and her family...which I am apparently not apart of. I told her that my grandfather or her dad annoyed me because this "morning" or afternoon in my case, I was eating brunch (breakfast and lunch) while watching TV when my ever so brilliant grandfather walks up to me and "whatchya doin'?" By process of elimination, I would have guessed I was painting a copy of Mona Lisa but I think me taking pizza bites and putting them in my mouth chewing and swallowing while looking directly and a box with picture going across it I would place a hundred dollar bet I was eating and watching TV... At the same time! I was also annoyed because my mother and step grandmother are making me an outfit (I'm extremely grateful don't get me wrong) but after cutting the fabric they left to go play poker, leaving pieces of cloth flying everywhere. So I went to go sweep and vacuum the kitchen then started texting my best friend and played around on the computer. When all of the sudden I get a text from my father saying pick you up in 5. I just looked at the text thinking "Whaaaa?" So I replied, what are you picking me up for? He replied back saying dinner, I had less then two minutes to get ready.

    I will tell you now, when I wake up I go straight for the couch and watch TV no brushing teeth, washing face, getting dressed nothing but finding another comfortable place to lay down on. So yes I was annoyed at my day, oh and another reason I was annoyed is because I spend half the night listening to doors open and slam shut plus a dog couching/ barking and a human coughing, I haven't been to bed before one a.m. in about four days. I'm dying, literally I think sleep exhaustion is really real, when I finally get to sleep I have such terrible dreams they wake me during the night, the worst part is not even remembering a single detail of the dream, not how it started, the body of it, or the ending I remember nothing except falling asleep. 

   Now to why I wrote this post, I know I hate people but I want to know why, so I thought about it. I hate people because hating them makes it harder for me bare their loss when they are no longer in my life, because eventually I know I will lose everybody dear to me. I guess I need to change but how? I've lived like this for so long how can I begin to love like the concept of humans that are insignificant and important in my life at the same time? I don't know if I can accomplish this emotion without some serious strain on myself at the moment and I don't have too many people to back me up right now. I know I'll have three people for sure but I know I'm going to need more reinforcements.
   I have also thought about why I hate most of my family members. As you know when I was seven I lost my best friend, ten when I lost my favorite grandmother, and twelve when I lost my favorite Aunt and Uncle. I loved each and everyone of one of those people, but they died, all the people I didn't love nearly as much were still alive (well my parents were and still are alive which I'm grateful for cause I love them more then all those people combined) so I thought that god hated me and killed all my favorites, so I hated my least favorites to save them and myself the heartbreak and torture. But now I think I hate all my other family because their alive and my favorites aren't what are they providing for God that my favorite weren't? What makes my least favorites better then my favorites? I always asked God why but now I have two more descriptive questions to ask.
   Some of my favorite questions to ask the big man are "why me? Out of two other children you picked little insignificant me to do your bidding? What can I do? I can't do anything and you picked me? What would my brothers be doing if they stayed and I didn't make it? Why couldn't they make it? What if I had one of them to lean on and support me during those times? Would I not hate anymore? Would I hate more because I would see how much love they could give? Am I giving any love to anyone I know? I wish I knew what good I was doing in the world." Cause as it stands I feel like one hydrogen atom too many in a giant ocean. Not doing any good and just making a big mess of things.

Vent/ rant of the last two days

   I feel bad about not posting last night but I have a great reason, I was sick from cleaning my bathroom... Sounds weird I know but visiting family members made the bathroom gross so when I cleaned it the chemicals made me even sicker. Which means I passed out at six in the evening and woke up at nine the same evening to my mothers dog barking at every move the family members made. I was seriously hating life at that moment. Now let me just give you a slight story of my family.

   My grandfather, divorced from my grandmother but stayed together with her for almost twenty some odd years. When my grandmother surprised us of her marriage with a strange man my grand father surprised us yet again by saying he was moving in with and marrying his high school sweet heart. So we couldn't get away from the crazy. My grandmother, only one word describes her, CRAZY. She divorced my grandpa then dated some guys and the had a surprise wedding to the latest guy she met. Well he turned crazy and died so she was left alone again came to stay with me and my family; over dosed on about 30 different medications went to the hospital got "better" and we moved her back to her home state. During her "recovery" time she insulted me so many times and she has no idea what she did to me mentally and emotionally. Calling me Jessica and just dying right in front of me but continuing to live I couldn't take it. I wished (and still do) that she died cause I can't take her misery of staying alive. Now my grandpa and his new wife or my step grandma are staying with us for a visit and I'm about to go postal, thank god for my friends and books because I would be running away or planning my suicide if I was alone in the battle of being around my grandparents.

   It shouldn't be like that I know but I can't deal with the crazy and messed up life all three of my grandparents live. I can't understand their past and I don't even want to be around in their freaky future. I want to be alone and I want the quite of my music to soothe my soul. Maybe while their out gambling I can just lay here on the floor where I'm typing this and relax with good music on a reasonable level to soothe me out. Wish me luck on the relaxing and pray for some sleep tonight.
Song of the moment to describe me: Hold It In by: Jukebox The Ghost :)

year seven, it's all up hill from here

     Year seven of life and it's pretty normal, in school making, good grades and loving life. Until the horrible day that started innocently enough, wake up at 7am, go to school to learn and last minute transportation changes. I was supposed to catch a ride with my friend and her older sister to go to their house to play before a party that night at her house. If not for that change of plan I wouldn't be writing this right now, I would have met the same fate my two friends met, which was death. The crash involved a speeding moving truck which sideswiped my friends car, both were killed instantly, it was so bad that the car enfolded over itself. I didn't find out until about 10 pm that night while eating dinner with my grandmother because my parents weren't able to pick me up for the party.

    My grandmother was flipping through the channels and the news popped up about the weather for the week so we watched it, the weather was interrupted for a breaking news cast. " Two girls killed today, 20 year old Courtney and 8 year old Alexa." I just stared at the TV screen; not understanding why my friends name was mentioned on the TV or why they said the words killed and dead on the scene. It didn't make since I couldn't process it, I just started crying and my dinner would not stay down, I was so over whelmed I just shut down I couldn't do anything but cry. I wish I never stayed with my grandmother that night, maybe I could have stayed oblivious, I could have stopped Courtney from driving I should have stopped her, I should have told my dad I wanted to go home with Alexa and stood my ground. I should have said a proper goodbye, not a see you later because no I have to wait until I die to see her again and to be honest I'm scared to die, I want to live a have husband and kids, to experience love to finally live the way God wants me to live. Another thing I was scared of back then was turning eight years old because my friend died at the age of eight, I thought when I turned eight I was going die, I guess I was always afraid of death then because I see what my friend is missing because she died and I didn't.

      The funny thing is, that after my friends died I promised myself, my parents/ family and God himself I would not believe in him any longer and I would not step foot on holy ground. I fell into such a deep depression it was so difficult to go to school, and the kids didn't help. They would outcast me and make fun of me because I was the weird kid whose friend died, and if they got near me they would die too. So I didn't have very many friends after the age of seven not that I wanted any because I even started believe I killed the people I loved the most just by being near them. Years eight - ten next post, not that I remember too much about those years because of my depression I just turned off living but I'll post what I do remember.

4-6 years of hard time

    Another really short installment for the interesting life of a toddler. At the age of four I played on a soccer team, had long hair that was amazing and the Tomboy attitude of no showers, which would have been fine if I didn't play soccer and go hunting for wildlife in the mud. A tip for you mothers with a four year old like that, laundry detergent, gallons of the stuff and get fabric in black or brown cause is going to be ruined in a heartbeat. At age five I had friends, listened to rock music and predicted the success and failure rates of bands back in my heyday. Let me tell, not to toot my own horn but I was the master of predictions, some of my friends even called me psychic but I was only psychedelic (which means groovy if I'm not mistaken.) Age six was the last year of my happiness, I had the best friend anyone could ever ask for, she was diabetic so I took on a caring/ motherly role at an very early age just so she could spend the night.

      It never happened but I was always prepared for that one faithful night of the sleep over at my house for once! I practically lived at her house and always reminded her to check her blood and what not even though it made me nausea's because I hate blood, I would have a snack and insulin in hand in case her sugars were too low or high. Her mother always laughed at me but deep down she loved how much I cared for her daughter just like she did, I just wished I could have stopped the day she died from happening. I was supposed to be in the car, I could have stopped her older sister, I should have told my dad to let me go over to her house with them, I should have done everything possible to say goodbye to her before time was up but I didn't because I didn't know. More to come on the devastating loss of my best friend and the fear of growing older.

Terrific Three

     This is going to be short but still pretty entertaining. As a three year old I was very weird, carrying intelligent conversations and learning about how to figure out if a restaurant is a good restaurant to eat at. My secret was going to the bathroom before the meal, if the room was clean then in my mind the kitchen was clean but if it was dirty I would ask to leave and if I couldn't leave then I wouldn't eat or drink until I got home. So I would like to think that even as a child I was very intelligent. Just so you know the picture posted with this post is a bathroom I would classify as clean therefore I would eat at that restuant. The next post will be three years in one because I wasn't very interesting for those three years.

The Not So Terrible Twos

       Year two of life and I'm cruising. Walking, talking, cussing... You know the usual two year old things. I started walking the day of my second birthday at my birthday party, which was pretty epic! I got rewarded with presents which made me walk more but then I realized that walking didn't earn you gifts, becoming old does so in a way you're being rewarded for coming closer to death. My first word was big deal; in front of my uppity grandparents who very rarely cussed while on the freeway in a mid-size Sudan with a stupid woman in front of the car who had no idea how to drive. Being the smart little child I was I screamed "BITCH" as loud as I possible could, in my defense I was learning from my surroundings, big city, a horrible free way and parents who cuss like sailors in traffic plus all the other drivers I see daily it was inevitable I cussed.

         So yeah a good discussion ensued from there with my mom the prime target for why my parent shouldn't cuss in front of me. I learned other things too, like the phrase "shoedons" which took my parents a good six months to learn. I would take my shoes off anytime I possibly could, I would much rather walk barefoot then have shoes on, I think it's because I'm closer to nature but I really know that it's because I feel the ground and experiment with what the ground feels like or find out what a rock feels like to be stepped on (which is very painful let me tell you now.) All through my life even at the age of two I have been told I was and still am weird or different, the "shoedons" phrase made me unique in the terrible twos but during the terrific threes I'll reveal what made me very different from every human in the world. Here's a hint it deals with the bath room and restaurants!

The Beginning

     In a cluster of two million possible human choices I was the fastest, well my sibling and I were the fastest, but I don't know what happend to him within the first few weeks I was alone in the womb. It's hard being alone after knowing you were supossed to have another friend in the world who is related to you but I believe I'm dealing pretty well. I was also supposed to have an older brother but my mom wasn't prepared to care for him so she gave him up and had me seven years later. For some reason God left me alive and took my siblings back with him, living up to the big mans plans is turning out to be more difficult then I thought but I'm managing.

    I'm going to start with my first year in this post, at least as much as I can remember or what I've been told over the years. My first day of life, I was born in a hospital with pretty much my whole family who lived near us at the time in the room, it was very awkward being in the spot light after my first minute of breath. I've never been one for acting and being in the public eye so I think it stems from that moment. I got to meet all of my relatives by being passed around like a hot potato and fought over like a piece of meat for a lion dinner. I want to say two days later I was home, in my yellow room with polka dotted dinosaurs all around, when I become a parent I hope I'm as cool as my parents. After three weeks a schedule was worked out and I was the best child of four weeks old you would ever meet, very rearly cried slept all through the night and stayed out of thing I wasn't supposed to be in. But then eight months came along and I changed, not too drastically but I wouldn't keep my shoes on, ever, this continued for about two and half years; also I never stayed clothed as soon as I was home my dress was off, early sign of prostituting? I believe you're right but it has not lasted. That's it for my first year of life but the terrible twos are coming next and let me tell you, two was my best year for trouble making. :)

Until next time bloggers, I bid you adieu! <3 

The first post

     As the first post I should probably say what this is all about and more about me. This blog is just a way to vent my frustrations about life, it's my "diary" as you may think. I realize that a pen and paper would be better for this but I find myself on the computer more often then none so what the heck I'm going to type this baby out! As for me I'm 18, only child and living one hell of a life. I'm the type of person who is very difficult to get to know but once you break that barrier I'm an amazing friend and I will be there when you need and when you don't. Lately I've been off mentally, physically and spiritually; mentally due to fighting with my mom, physically because said fights have been keeping me up at night and spiritually because I'm so tired I can't go to church on Mondays so my life is wacky at the moment. During my life I'm hoping to write on this website every day and just write.

    The reason for my mother and I fighting so much is due to her new "personality", which is that she is going to be honest about everything, where as before we kept everything from each other so I am going into defense mode because I hate sharing anything personal and she wants me to change that in less then a month. I just wished we never changed, I wished I never dated because that's another why she decided to change. I dated a liar and I didn't know until it was too late but alas that is another post. The only good thing that has come from the last two months of my life is the stronger relationship with God that I have foraged, seventeen years ago I had a "fake" relationship with him then when I was seven I told everyone that I would never love or believe in God again but something changed in me and now I can't get enough of him. Well I feel like I have written enough lead in for my next couple of blogs which will all tie together at the end when they explain everything about me in the beginning of my life all the way until the end. When tomorrow comes I will write again until then good day! :)